I felt like my ass was turning inside out. Every time I heaved, the convulsion caused the filth to rocket out of me like buckshot out of a 12 gauge.
It was like hate, anger, divorce, the movie Train Spotting, the way a perm smells, a hippie’s deadlock, old salad, and a trucker’s apple bag came together to create the ultimate smell. The violence of the evacuation startled me, but the sense of relief was almost orgasmic. I said a silent thank you to whoever runs the cosmos, exhaled, and relaxed my anus. It had formed a hammock underneath my nether regions. Miraculously, like a beacon of light in the darkness, I saw that my poly-pro had somehow snagged on the Velcro of my ACUs. I accepted the fact that I was going to shit my pants, and all the guys would know. “I wont make it,” I remember thinking the distance was too far. This turned out to be the best decision of the last 24 hrs.Īs I got off the top, I flung it to the ground and started to shimmy to the door with my ass cheeks clamped together. I knew I had very little time but for some reason I felt as if I was just too hot. I got my pants down at my ankles and every little shimmy was causing a very wet feeling fart to slip out. I undid my belt, dropped my pants and pulled down both layers of snivel bottoms. Luckily, my ACU top unzipped and I got that off as well. I ditched the helmet on the roof and threw my body armor up there too. I managed to get my body armor undone but it wouldn’t come off.
I told the driver to pull security and begin to disrobe like I was covered in fire ants and spiders. I know I had less than a minute before I erupted like Krakatoa. All at once the cramping, sweating, humming and farting returned, along with an immense pressure. There was a sensation in my lower abdomen that is equivalent to a fork lift driver dropping a pallet full of marble tile. The emptiness left by their absence, was soon replaced with fear. Admiral McRaven, former commander of JSOC and SOCOM, loves him some Rip-it. That feeling lasted for about a half an hour, even though the sweats, farts, cramps and bodily hums continued.
I decided that I could take the heat if I just stood up out of the hatch, to take in some of the winter air. Like, there was a damn furnace inside of me, hot.
This is what I imagined menstrual cramps were like that is, if menstrual cramps are like a dragon inside your stomach clawing, spitting, and biting its way out of you.